What makes a flirt

Researchers found more women had been subject to instances where men overperceive sexual interest from them than men.

Young, single, and sexuality-fluid participants also experienced being over-sexualized more often. According to a study led by University of British Columbia psychologist Jessica Tracy, heterosexual men and women diverge greatly in the facial expressions they fancy. University of New Mexico evolutionary psychologist Steven W. Gangestad told Psychology Today in that flirting is a "negotiation process" that happens after the first moments of attraction.

It's a subtle sort of testing the waters. You don't just say, " I'm attracted to you; are you attracted to me? According to research from Webster University psychologist Monica Moore who studied people's flirting behavior at singles bars, shopping malls, and other places where young people meet , women who smiled and made eye contact with others were more likely to be approached than those who were simply good looking.

In , Jeffrey A. Hall and Chong Xing published research that suggests there are five different styles of flirting.

In , they followed up on this research by breaking down each style into a series of verbal and nonverbal behaviors. Here are some key behaviors of each type, as described by Susan Krauss Whitbourne on Psychology Today :. You can take a quiz , developed by Hall to figure out which style best describes you. If you're flirting with someone perceived as higher status than you, being more subtle will lead to more success, according to research. A study conducted by University of Pennsylvania professors found flirters who can adjust how overtly they flirt will have the best success.

If successful, flirting can lead others to think you are also funny or creative, as well as attractive. The website analyzed 60, messages on dating apps to find the words that got the best responses.

Women messaging men first receive responses less often, but using the word "nice" works best. Scientists have long speculated on how pheromones, or chemicals released by your body that have an impact on people around you, contribute to physical attraction.

A study out of Florida State University found men who were exposed to pheromones released by ovulating women were more likely to drink alcohol and flirt with women. Just make a general, impersonal comment on some aspect of the event, activity, circumstances or surroundings, with a rising intonation or 'isn't it?

Your target will recognise this as a conversation-starter, and his or her response will tell you immediately whether or not it is welcomed. There are of course degrees of positive and negative response to an IIC.

The elements you need to listen for are length, personalising and questioning. As a general rule, the longer the response, the better.

If your target responds to your comment with a reply of the same length or longer, this is a good sign. A personalised response, i. A personalised response ending in a question or interrogative rising intonation as in "I thought it was supposed to clear up by this afternoon?

So, if you say "Nice day, isn't it? Note that there is nothing original, witty or clever about the above exchange. You may even be inclined to dismiss it as polite, boring and insignificant.

In fact, a great deal of vital social information has been exchanged. The biggest mistake most people make with opening lines is to try to start a flirtation, rather than simply trying to start a conversation. If you think about your opening line as initiating a conversation, rather than starting a flirtation, use the IIC formula and pay close attention to the verbal and non-verbal response, you cannot go wrong.

Even if your target does not find you attractive and declines your invitation to talk, you will avoid causing offence and you will avoid the humiliation of a direct rejection. Once you have initiated a conversation with your chosen target, your success in making a favourable impression will depend as much on your social skills as on what you say. We have probably all met at least one person who is highly articulate, witty and amusing, but who loses friends and alienates people by hogging the conversation, not allowing others to get a word in.

You may also have come across the equally irritating strong, silent type who makes you do all the 'work' in the conversation — who never asks a question, never expresses interest and makes no effort to keep the conversation flowing.

What you have to say may be fascinating, and you may express it with great eloquence, but if you have not grasped the basic social skills involved in conversational turn-taking, you will be perceived as arrogant and unpleasant, and neither your target nor anyone else will enjoy your company.

The basic rule on how much to talk is very simple: try to make your contribution to the conversation roughly equal to that of your partner. The essence of a good conversation, and a successful flirtation, is reciprocity: give-and-take, sharing, exchange, with both parties contributing equally as talkers and as listeners.

Achieving this reciprocity requires an understanding of the etiquette of turn-taking, knowing when to take your turn, as well as when and how to 'yield the floor' to your partner. So, how do you know when it is your turn to speak? Pauses are not necessarily an infallible guide — one study found that the length of the average pause during speech was 0. In other words, people clearly used signals other than pauses to indicate that they had finished speaking.

In previous sections of the Guide, we have described in detail the various non-verbal signals people use to show that they have finished what they are saying, and that it is your turn to speak. These include eye-contact signals remember that people look away more when they are speaking, so when they look back at you, this often indicates that it is your turn and vocal signals such as rising or falling intonation, with a drop in volume.

This may be accompanied by verbal 'turn-yielding' signals, such as the completion of a clause or 'tailing off' into meaningless expressions such as "you know". As a general rule, the more of these turn-yielding cues occur simultaneously, the more likely it is that your partner has finished and expects you to speak.

Watching and listening for these clues will help you to avoid interrupting, and also to avoid awkward gaps and lengthy pauses in the conversation. This Guide clearly cannot tell you exactly what to say, what words to use, in a flirtatious conversation, but it is possible to provide some general guidelines on what you talk about, and how you express yourself, particularly in terms of mistakes and pitfalls to avoid.

Negativity, for example, is real turn-off. If you talk too much about the bad side of things, and constantly complain about the world or your own problems, your partner will soon get bored and fed up.

Other characteristics that research has identified as particularly boring or off-putting include self-preoccupation talking too much about yourself and showing too little interest in others , banality only talking about superficial things, repeating hackneyed jokes and stories , tediousness talking too slowly, pausing too long, taking too long to make a point , passivity failing to take full part in the conversation or express opinions , lack of enthusiasm talking in a monotone, not making eye-contact, expressing too little emotion , over-seriousness using a serious tone of voice and expression, even when your partner is trying to be light-hearted or humorous and over-excitement easily sidetracked, engaging in too much meaningless chatter, too much slang.

Compliments, on the other hand, are almost universally welcomed, and do not have to be witty or original. In other words, you should not be afraid of paying simple, unflowery compliments such as "That's a nice jacket" or "That colour really suits you", as they can be very effective.

Clearly, excessive use of compliments will make you seem ingratiating, and your partner may become bored with too much suffocating niceness, but of all the ways you can bore someone, studies have shown that this is the least offensive.

Males should, however, avoid paying women embarrassing or potentially offensive compliments. This is not a matter of 'political correctness', but of basic social skills.

Some men need to learn that it is entirely possible to convey to a female friend or acquaintance that you find her physically attractive, without being crass or intrusive. A simple, admiring comment such as "You look lovely or pretty, or stunning " is enough. Anything more explicit will only cause embarrassment or offence. The body-language must be right as well: address the compliment to her face, not to her chest, and without leering or what the Americans call 'elevator eyes' eyes travelling up and down the body.

Timing is equally important: there are times, places and situations where any comment on a woman's appearance, however innocent, would be inappropriate and potentially offensive. It is not possible to list all these situations here, but as a rule-of-thumb, only comment on a woman's appearance a if you know her well enough this kind of compliment should not be used as an opening line, but only at a much later stage in flirtatious conversation and b at times, places and situations where appearance is relevant — i.

If the situation is not one in which you would compliment a male acquaintance on his flattering new jacket or haircut, do not comment on a female's appearance either. In one American survey, women were asked what were the three words they would most like to hear from a male partner. The most common answer was not, as expected, "I love you", but "You've lost weight". While you should not make any comment on a woman's figure unless you know her well, this compliment might please a girlfriend or close female friend.

Good listeners have distinct advantages in the flirting stakes, but being a good listener is not just about shutting up and letting the other person talk although this certainly helps. Good listening is essentially about giving good 'feedback', which involves giving both verbal and non-verbal signals to show that you are a paying attention, and b interested. Good verbal feedback signals include the use of expressions such as "mm-hmm", "yeah", "mmm", "ah" to show interest or agreement and to encourage the other person to continue.

Research has shown that these basic feedback signals are highly effective in winning friends and influencing people. They can even result in concrete, tangible rewards: studies have found, for example, that candidates who give this sort of feedback during job interviews are more likely to be successful than those who do not.

Even just a few nods can significantly improve your chances, both in interviews and in flirtatious conversation. Another effective good-listener technique is 'paraphrasing'. How did you get home? You may have noticed that the question at the end of the 'paraphrasing' example was an 'open' question, rather than a 'closed' question requiring only a yes or no response. If you want to encourage your partner to talk, try to ask more open questions, such as "What kind of food do you like?

If you are not sure about the difference, remember that open questions begin with one of the following words: Who, What, When, Where, How, Why. Journalists and personnel managers are taught to ask questions beginning with these words in interviews, to encourage job candidates and sources to give detailed replies, but they are equally effective in informal social conversation — particularly in flirting!

One of the most important aspects of verbal flirting is what psychologists call 'reciprocal disclosure' — the exchange of personal information. In fact, unless partners disclose at least some personal details, the conversation can hardly be called a flirtation.

When you first meet, these details do not have to be particularly intimate: disclosure of almost any personal information, even something as innocent as the fact that one likes warm weather or Italian food, is a move towards intimacy.

If your partner discloses some such detail, you should reciprocate as soon as possible by revealing some similar information about yourself, perhaps 'raising the ante' a little by making your disclosure slightly more personal.

If your partner likes you, he or she will probably try to 'match' your disclosure with one of similar value. Reciprocal disclosure of this kind is a much more subtle and less threatening route to intimacy than asking direct personal questions. The key to successful flirtation is to escalate the level of intimacy gradually, always maintaining a balance between your disclosures and those of your partner.

Avoid getting too far ahead by revealing too much, or lagging behind by revealing too little. Women should be aware that men tend to interpret disclosure of personal information as a sign of sexual availability, and be particularly careful about how much they reveal. Humour is a powerful flirting tool.

It is almost impossible to flirt successfully or enjoyably without it, and yet it can easily backfire if abused or misused. On the positive side, studies have shown that people who use humour in social encounters are perceived as more likeable, and that both trust and attraction increase when a light-hearted approach is used.

Judicious use of humour can reduce anxiety and establish a relaxed mood which helps a relationship to develop more rapidly. On the negative side, inappropriate use of humour can kill a promising flirtation stone dead in a matter of seconds. Men are generally more likely to make this kind of fatal mistake than women. Women, however, need to be even more cautious in their use of sexual humour, as men will be inclined to interpret this as a sign of sexual availability.

While it is clearly important to avoid causing offence or giving misleading signals, humour is an essential element of flirtation. Flirting is by definition a light-hearted, playful form of interaction. A flirtatious encounter may eventually lead to a 'serious', long-term relationship, but too much seriousness in the early stages is off-putting. Even in the longer term, a capacity for light-hearted playfulness is important.

It is no accident that so many single people seeking partners through the personal ads include 'gsoh' good sense of humour in their requirements. Humour can clearly help to reduce tension and awkwardness in the early stages of a flirtatious encounter. In the section on opening lines, we advised the use of phrases which are universally recognised as 'conversation-starters', such as comments on the weather. A touch of humour can make these openers even more effective.

There is no need for elaborate attempts at wit: a simple twist such as "Lovely day, isn't it? If your target does not find you attractive, more elaborate efforts will be no more effective. Once some degree of mutual attraction has been established, the use of humour in flirtatious conversations tends to come naturally, as both parties are motivated to keep their target amused and interested.

Our natural instinct is to try to make the other person smile. We need constant reassurance that we are liked and appreciated by the object of our attraction, and smiles and laughter provide that reassurance. One particular form of humour, playful teasing, is particularly common in flirtatious encounters. This is because playful teasing allows partners to increase the 'personal' content of the exchange, while keeping the tone light-hearted and non-serious, thus escalating the level of disclosure and intimacy in a non-threatening manner.

Men respond particularly well to this form of humour, as it closely resembles the 'mock-arguments' and good-humoured exchanges of insults which are their normal means of expressing friendship among themselves. The most common mistakes in flirtatious use of humour involve opposite extremes. Men are more likely to over-use humour or monopolise the joke-telling, and fail to notice that their companion is bored or frustrated.

Women sometimes have a tendency to under-use humour — to adopt a serious tone when their companion would be more comfortable with light-hearted banter. There are many exceptions, of course: we've all met heavy-going men and raucous women, but most studies show that women are generally more cautious in their use of humour, while men are more inclined to avoid heart-to-heart seriousness.

If you feel you may sometimes be guilty of either excessive or inadequate use of humour, watch your companion carefully for signs of boredom or embarrassment — such as feet or body turning away from you, forced smiles, reduced eye-contact, reduced verbal attention-signals, fidgeting, defensive arm-crossing, etc.

If you are overdoing the humour, these would be your cues to tone it down a bit. If you are being too serious, lighten up! Your approach to leave-taking after a flirtatious conversation is of critical importance, as it will determine your future relationship with your companion. Many flirtatious encounters are of naturally short duration — where it is understood that there are no serious intentions, merely an ego-boosting acknowledgement of mutual attraction.

These light-hearted 'brief encounters' are part of normal social interaction, and only the pathetic or desperate would imagine that every passing exchange of flirtatious banter is a prelude to matrimony. Flirting would not, however, be such a universal feature of human interaction if it did not occasionally serve some more long-term purpose — such as sex, reproduction, the survival of the species, etc. While there is no harm in practising our flirting skills just for the fun of it, there will be some occasions when we wish to pursue the relationship, and a cheery, unconcerned "Bye, then" or "Nice meeting you" will not do.

This is when parting words and gestures take on greater significance. Every salesperson knows that there is little point in establishing a great rapport with potential customers, attracting their interest, gaining their trust and so on, if you fail to 'close' — 'closing' being sales-speak for actually making the sale, securing the contract, getting the customer to hand over money or sign on the dotted line.

Sales staff are specifically trained in 'closing techniques' to help them achieve this all-important goal. In the same way, if you are genuinely attracted to your flirting partner, and want to see him or her again, none of the flirting skills in this Guide will be much use unless you can 'close' effectively.

In this case, your goal in 'closing' is to secure not a contract or a sale, but the chance to meet again. At the risk of rejection, this is the moment when you must be explicit about your wishes. Subtle hints and positive body-language will help you to get to this point, and careful observation of your partner's reactions will tell you whether your 'closing' is likely to be successful, but these techniques cannot, by themselves, get you a phone number or a date! You have to ask. And the most effective strategy is simple honesty.

You don't have to declare undying love, just ask: "Would you like to meet for a drink sometime next week? If making a date on the spot would be awkward or inappropriate, say something like: "Perhaps we could meet again sometime — could I have your phone number?

Some American 'dating manuals' recommend that you precede this request with a statement such as "I've really enjoyed talking with you and I'd like to see you again". You are welcome to do this if you wish, but it would seem to be already implicit in the request for a date or phone number, and therefore somewhat superfluous.

Dating manuals and articles in glossy women's magazines also constantly insist that it is perfectly acceptable nowadays for women to take the initiative in asking men out. In fact, they never fail to exclaim, men love it when women take the initiative. This is quite true, and if you read the more scientific research on the subject, you will find out why.

The studies and experiments show that men perceive women who take the initiative in asking a man out as more sexually available. To put it more bluntly, if a woman asks them out, they think they have a better chance of 'scoring'. Naturally, they are delighted. If you are female, and wish to avoid giving this impression, there is a simple solution. Instead of asking for his phone number, offer your own. Say something like: "Maybe we could have a drink sometime?

This makes it perfectly clear that you are interested, but still requires the man to take the initiative in asking for a date. You are of course free to dismiss this suggestion as hopelessly old-fashioned, sexist, pandering to double-standards, etc. It is not the place of this Guide to make moral judgements about flirting, merely to provide information on the latest scientific findings.

Flirting has been part of human behaviour for thousands of years, and whether we approve or not, the latest findings show that not much has changed. Males have always tended towards an over-optimistic interpretation of female signals, and females have always adjusted their signals to encourage only selected males.

Despite the disapproval of 17th-century Puritans, Victorian moralists and their modern equivalents in both the 'moral majority' and 'political correctness' camps, these basic flirting instincts persist, and the human species survives. Click here to download and read the full document using Adobe's Acrobat Reader. If flirting is instinctive, why do we need this Guide? Drinking-places Flirting is also socially acceptable in some public settings, usually where alcohol is served — such as bars, pubs, night-clubs, discos, wine bars, restaurants, etc.

Learning-places Schools, colleges, universities and other educational establishments are hot-beds of flirting. Workplace At work, flirting is usually acceptable only in certain areas, with certain people and at specific times or occasions. Spectator events Although they have the advantage of providing conversation topics of mutual interest, most sporting events and other spectator pastimes such as theatre or cinema are not particularly conducive to flirting, as social interaction is not the primary purpose of the occasion, and social contact may limited to a short interval or require 'missing the action'.

Who to flirt with 'Flirting for fun' At one level, you can flirt with more or less anyone. Don't flirt with people who are unlikely to return your interest. How to flirt The first key to successful flirting is not an ability to show off and impress, but the knack of conveying that you like someone.

Non-verbal flirting When a man and a woman meet for the first time, both are in a difficult, ambiguous and potentially risky situation. Eye contact Your eyes are probably your most important flirting tool. Interpersonal distance The distance you keep from the other person when flirting is important, because it will affect his or her impression of you, and the quality of your interaction.

Posture Most of us are quite good at controlling our faces — maintaining an expression of polite interest, for example, when we are really bored to tears, or even nodding when we really disagree! Gestures As well as overall body posture, the gestures we use can signal interest, attraction and invitation — or discomfort, dislike and rejection.

Facial expression An ability to 'read' and interpret the facial expressions of your partner will improve your chances of successful flirting, as will awareness of what you are signalling with your own expressions. Touch Touching is a powerful, subtle and complex form of communication. Vocal signals You may be surprised to see this heading in the 'Non-verbal flirting' section, but 'verbal' means 'words' and vocal signals such as tone of voice, pitch, volume, speed of speech, etc.

Verbal flirting Although your target's initial impressions of you will depend more on your appearance, body language and voice than on what you actually say, successful flirting also requires good conversation skills. Opening lines When the subject of flirting comes up, most people seem to be obsessed with the issue of 'opening lines' or 'chat-up lines'. Turn-taking Once you have initiated a conversation with your chosen target, your success in making a favourable impression will depend as much on your social skills as on what you say.

Talking This Guide clearly cannot tell you exactly what to say, what words to use, in a flirtatious conversation, but it is possible to provide some general guidelines on what you talk about, and how you express yourself, particularly in terms of mistakes and pitfalls to avoid.

Listening Good listeners have distinct advantages in the flirting stakes, but being a good listener is not just about shutting up and letting the other person talk although this certainly helps. Reciprocal disclosure One of the most important aspects of verbal flirting is what psychologists call 'reciprocal disclosure' — the exchange of personal information. Humour Humour is a powerful flirting tool.

In an article for Penguin, social anthropologist Jean Smith encouraged readers to take note of a potential flirter's body language. If their feet are angled away, simulating a quick exit, or their arms are folded, forget it," she wrote.

Paying attention to how open and relaxed someone's body language can help you decipher their intentions. Digital flirting can be just as revealing as the in-person variety. If someone is constantly commenting or liking your social media posts, it's safe to say you're on their mind. Though liking a post could just be a friendly move rather than a declaration of love, reacting to everything you post online might indicate attraction.

When you like someone, it's natural to want to be near them. Close physical proximity is a good indicator of romantic intention, according to Smith. There are some situations in which being physically close to someone can't be helped e. World globe An icon of the world globe, indicating different international options. Get the Insider App. Click here to learn more. A leading-edge research firm focused on digital transformation. Sophia Mitrokostas.

They make prolonged eye contact.